Here I Am Again

Hey kids! It looks like I have figured the internet out once again and I can write here at work. Of course, I'm having writer's block in all aspects of my life right now, so what good does this do me?
Things have been so crazy for me lately...I might be over extending myself, but its in some really great directions. Maybe by the time I am released from my 87 different directions, I'll bounce back into a new and better me! Too metaphorical or did it even make sense?
I know, I'm rambling...just thought I would let you know that I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!

I miss this!!!

Hello, people! I haven't gotten to blog in so long because the internet is now gone at work...what am I supposed to do all day now?!?!
Anyway...I've missed venting here and I have missed seeing what's going on with everyone. Hope all is well! I'll try to write with something interesting soon :)

I want my own airbrusher

I want a graphic artist to follow me around and air brush me constantly. Ok, girls...if you're ever feeling inferior to the girls on the cover of Cosmo or some other body image bashing magazine, just click on this link. I can't believe they can do this!!!

Prayer Request

My Aunt Robin's husband died last nght. He had some kind of lung disease that I can't remember the name of. I just know that it was really hard on him and his family. I wish I knew what to do for them, but all I can think of is to pray. They all need it...that family needs a miracle. So please help me pray for a miracle.

Praise

I've got to tell you, God works all the time...whether we decide to pay attention or not. He listens and then responds. Only, you don't hear the response unless you are listening.
A while back, Ken and I prayed that I would find a connection and start to feel like I'm really part of something. It wasn't a very specific prayer, I was just feeling out of place. Really, the only time I felt that I belonged was when I was with Ken. I am grateful for that, but it isn't healthy to put all of my 'worth' into Ken. (Yes, my worth comes from God, but that's not my point here).
Anyway...God has answered and I'm making more friends than I can count. They all have some big reason for being in my life that is already becoming very clear to me. So...not only has he answered my prayers for friends that I can connect with, but he is answering other prayers through them. Am I making any sense at all?
First, there is K. She is hilarious and about as nutty as me. We both love to shop and we're girly, but we're both on fire for God more than anything else. We share some of the same regrets and a lot of the same hopes.

God, thanks for letting us spend last Saturday together. I know we
felt blessed to have that outing and I believe others were greatly blessed by
it as well. Please continue to grow our trust and openness and help me be
the friend she needs me to be.

Then there is S. I'm really just starting to get to know her, but she seems so great! I'm not sure what I can do in her life other than just be somebody in Alabama that she knows she can turn to. She is such an inspiration to me...coming to a place where she doesn't really know anyone to help her sister take care of her family. How many people would really do that? She's really funny and has a gentleness about her that is hard to miss.

God, I thank for the the woman of noble character that I see in
S. I pray that I can learn from her and that I can help her in ways that
she needs. Please put me in a position to help her and let You work
through me to reward her!

And L...she's so fun! I have really enjoyed talking to her and we have
recently learned that we have been praying for the same things. She wants
to feel connected at church too. I do feel a connection with her. I
really like that she isn't interested in gossip at all...a very admirable trait
(especially in a woman). She's also got a lot of experience with
marriage and children that I am already learning a lot from. She's
an honest and genuine person and I can see that she is going to greatly effect
me.

God, please help L and I help each other. Show me how to support
her and let her know that I admire her and that I am thankful for her.
God, you have answered so many prayers in my life by giving us the opportunity
to talk.
Lord, I am in AWE of You. You truly to do hear me and you really
love me. I can't believe you care enough about me to bless me with so many
wonderful people...these women to share my life and love for you with.
God, thank you for the new Bible Study that I have become part of...I
am looking forward to learning from those women also.
And thank you for Ken. He is such a godly man. He's a helper
and a servant a he's so humble about it. I have enjoyed hearing how much
he means to other people as well. Thank you so much for his influence in
my life and especially his love for me, but mostly for his love for
YOU!
Amen

Jesus to Me

There is somebody in my life who shows me Jesus every day.
This person puts up with so much from me with compassion and patience. He bears my burdens with me and supports me no matter how ridiculous I am being. He is honest and helpful, strong and sincere. He shows me Jesus.
I watch him take time for other people...compliment them, help them, encourage them...he seems to have a gift for knowing just what somebody needs from him at any give time. I think this is a gift in him...a way for him to be Christ-like. He really does put others before him, but he still respects himself and takes care of himself because he knows God loves him too. He isn't afraid to admit a wrong or ask for forgiveness. He is fair.
I watch him with his children them...growing them up, taking care of them, loveing them with everything he has in him. Its amazing to see the way he loves...its a very full and pure love.
He loves me that way too...accepting me as I am, but never letting me be less than God made me. He comforts me and supports me, but never lets me get away with anything. His love is real and pure and a true blessing from the Lord.

God, thank you for this man that you have put in my life. Though your
plan is not fully clear to us, we are well aware that you are taking care of
us. You have given us the gift of each other and we are greatful.
Please let me be the woman he deserves.
Amen

P.S. Those of you that know him, know exactly what I mean!

Amen

I went forward Sunday morning...the only other time I have ever done that was the day I was baptized. It was hard, but I had to ask my brothers and sisters to pray for me.
I have one thing to say...AMEN!!!!
God hears prayers, he responds to our pleas. I am in no way saying that my worries and problems are totally gone. I'm too human to be care-free, but I do feel relief. I feel some peace that I didn't have before and I feel more on the way.

God is good.

I want to start my own Bible study...maybe a blog Bible study...anybody want to participate? I was studying Job and have stopped. I think I'll start that again. Not sure if I'm brave enough to post all of my thoughts here. I'm afraid that my limited knowledge of scripture could be quite embarrassing, but I have also recently learned that its ok to need help. So maybe I will post here and ask for your help with what I'm studying. There...good idea!
Any takers???

Regret

Does anyone else have one of those things in their past that they just can't get over? Please tell me its not just me. I can't get past it, can't forgive myself for it, can't stop wondering what life would be like if that one thing had not occurred.
I know, somebody will say, "Mandee, the Lord has forgiven you so you must forgive yourself" or, "we are all sinners washed clean by Christ's blood."
Believe me, I know these things in my heart. I know that God loves me and that Christ died for my sins and I am clean because of that. But I'm also human and I don't know how to my head to understand that.
It seems that things come along to throw my mistakes back in my face...its like ANOTHER consequence to my action. There are constant reminders that I really screwed up. I think about it a lot and I'm not really sure how to truly put it behind me.
I just can't help but think that one action that I took years ago has changed everything about me and about my life. Some things will never be the same...never be what they could have been and I will have to go on knowing that and not being able to change it.
Regret is so painful, so hopeless, so defeating.
God has lifted me out of that, why am I still reaching back to it?

Stinkin' Boss

OK, so Boss tells me when I come in this morning that he will need me around 3:30 this afternoon. That was it...all he said...started to walk away. So here is the ocnversation that followed:
Me: "What for?"
Boss: "A conference call" and then tries to walk away again
Me: "With whom?"
Boss: "name of company"
Me: "What will we be discussing"
Boss: "Well, you need to call name of person at company and talk to her about dual entry this morning."

OK...so I still don't know what we will be discussing in the conference call. I couldn't figure out why he was being that way (the way he usually his) when it suddenly hit me. If I don't prepare for this call, then I will sound like an idiot and then he can come in and correct me in front of everyone on the call and sound like the big smart boss that he wants to be, but so is NOT. And this is the way Boss works. This is why I need a new job...sigh.

I have decided...

That today I need to change my attitude about everything. Here are some changes...

• It's not all about me
• God will take care of me
• It's not all about me
• Life on Earth is only the beginning of LIFE
• It's not all about me
• The best trip you'll ever take is to meet somebody half way (ok...so I didn't come up with that one on my own, but its oh-so-true)
• It really is not all about me
• I can't lose focus on the big picture...GOD
• Still not all about me
• I have a purpose whether I realize it or not and God is working on me to get it out in the open
• But it really isn't about me
• Just because you want something doesn't mean you get it
• Obviously, painfully (at times) not all about me
• LET GO!!!!!! I keep telling God that I'm putting my life in His hands, I'm trusting Him, I'm not in control, but good grief...I'm so stubborn!
• Yet, its not all about me! (Thank goodness cause I'm a mess)

So...I don't feel much better yet. I guess it will take more than writing it in a blog. I guess I have to live that way. I really have to get better at letting God be in control. Not only do I want to control my destiny, but I want to control every situation in my life...I've even gotten to the point of trying to control other people. It makes me not like who I have become. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with a lot of the changes I have made in my life. But there is much more wrong with me. I don't know if its new stuff or stuff I've never noticed. I'm a self-centered and shallow spoiled brat! Ew...I didn't like saying (typing) that out loud.

(why is this double spacing when I mash enter?)

Here's what I want to change:

--Obsessed with hating the way I look (and not doing anything about it)

--Being hypersensitive to every little thing the people I love do and/or say.

--Placing expectations on myself and everyone around me to the point that I am in a constant state of disappointment

--Thinking about how I am effected in each and every situation around me, rather than putting my feelings aside to help a brother or sister

--Writing an entire blog about ME!

Now, don't I sound like the kind of person you would want to be friends with? Not really fond of being friends with myself right now. I'll try to revisit this and see if I (God's working harder than I ever could) make any progress. PRAYER WARRIORS>>>you have a mission!