Battling the Holiday Blues

They say that the first year is tough - especially the holidays.
I'd say "they" are right.
The last 8 months have been full of sadness and grief.  There's been a lot of stress and a lot of frustration when I remembered I couldn't call my Mommy to vent about that stress.
Now that the holidays are near, there have been many times when I wanted to call Mom and share an idea or ask for a recipe.  Those times are always followed by anger and frustration that I can't call her.  She won't be here to cook, worry about getting the house clean enough, take a ride to see the leaves changing, or force us all to go around the table and say what we are thankful for.  She won't be here to decorate, sing off-key, or spend hours at Wal-mart searching for the just-right gift for each of her grandchildren (and unknowingly clearing the shelves with her oxygen tank).
Her presence will so obviously be missing from all festivities this year and every year.
That makes me so sad.
It makes me sad enough to want to skip every holiday.
But she wouldn't want that.
Mom LOVED the holidays - all of them.  No matter her circumstances, she always made them special in the best way she knew how.  She loved to decorate and cook.  She loved Christmas music.  She loved having everyone together - family and friends!  And she passed that on to me
This year I've decided I'm going to ROCK these holidays for Mom!  I'm sure I will cry a lot. I'm sure I will feel like somebody is missing.  I'm sure I will have many moments of wanting to crawl in bed until this time of year is over.  But I won't.
I will celebrate Thanksgiving - celebrate the ancestors that she was so proud to learn about - who sailed to a new land on the Mayflower.  If it weren't for them, Mom wouldn't have been born several generations later.
I will Celebrate Christmas - celebrate the fact that God sent his Son to live and die so that I may rejoice with him for all eternity along-side my Mom!  I will bake a birthday cake for Jesus - a tradition Mom loved.  I will sing Christmas songs at the top of my lungs, no matter how I sound, just like Mom did.  I will decorate my tree with every "tacky" ornament we've got and be proud!  I will be sappy and emotional and tell my family how much I love them - just like Mom.  Clark Griswold's got nothin' on us!
So, this year GO BIG OR GO HOME if you want to spend the holidays with me!

Be warned!  My house could look like a Who-ville house this year!

Mom's San Francisco

One of Mom's favorite places in the world was San Francisco, California.  She went there in April of 1991 while my daddy was taking a 2-week course out there for work.  She talked about that trip over and over for the 23 years after that.  It was "the most romantic city" and "the perfect vacation spot."

Before we knew she only had a matter of weeks left, I found out my husband would be going on a business trip there.  Mom insisted that I should go with him!  But, before we could really make any plans, we found out Mom only had a few days left with us.
All of our time was devoted to being with her.  After she passed away, all of our time was devoted to plans and mourning - no thoughts of travel.

When it came time for the hubs to make his travel plans, he asked if I still wanted to go.  At first, the thought of being gone for Mother's Day was scary.

What would I do for Mother's Day now?

I couldn't even wrap my head around how to do that day.  When I talked to Daddy about it, he insisted that San Francisco was the perfect place to celebrate Mother's Day.  That's where Mom would love to be, so why not celebrate her by being in her favorite place?

So, before we left, I looked through Mom's favorite pictures and found the ones I wanted to recreate.
And that's what I did.

Ghirardelli Square from Hyde Park

Golden Gate Bridge - I think we found the spot!
This was on Mother's Day.  It was the perfect moment "with" Mom!

Pacific Ocean

Ghirardelli Square

Pier 39 Carousel at Fisherman's Wharf

Mom took the picture on the bottom.  She was in front of the hotel where I stayed this year!  Totally coincedince!

I don't know how Heaven works.
I don't know if God allows the residents to see us.  to be with us.
But I felt my Mom on this trip.
I know she cheered every time I found the right spot.  I know she smiled when she realized I love that city as much as she did.

I miss her and I was glad to have her with me!

*UPDATE: I've been back from my trip for a week now.  I'm doing much better than I was pre-trip. I think it was really healing for me.
My own memorial.
My own way to let her go into her new life while I go on with mine.

If you've lost a loved one, I encourage you to do something similar.  Maybe yours isn't a trip.
Maybe there is some adventure that they had.
Or some quiet spot they enjoyed.
Or something they always wanted to do but never had the chance.

Do it.

***To see more about my trip, click here!***

San Francisco Vacation

I've been absent from the blog for a couple of months.  If you are a regular, you know that my Mom passed away back in March.
I just haven't been the same since then.
Nothing can prepare you for losing your Mom and, so far, life is never the same without your Mom in it.  I've just needed time to grieve and to begin to heal.  I don't actually think my grieving will end or that the hole in my heart will ever completely heal, but I will figure out how to live with it all.  And I will be happy because that's what Mom has always wanted for me.
I sure miss my Mommy.

I went to San Francisco with my husband.  I took Mom with me (click here to find out how) and I fell in love with the city - just like Mom did!

We had planned to leave on a Friday morning, but we got a call Thursday night that our flight had been cancelled and we were rescheduled for Saturday morning instead.
Leading up to this trip, I had been full of anxiety.
What if I got there and I wasn't ready to have fun yet?
What if it was just too much?
What if I was weepy and a pain in the tushy to travel with?
The flight being cancelled only added to my anxiety.

We slept in on Friday and went to eat at our favorite breakfast place.  We hadn't been much lately because of travel and family things, so it was nice to go there.
Then we visited a friend and her 3-week old baby.  She had a gift for me from a group of my girlfriends.  It was a beautiful dove and pearl necklace that I got to wear for mother of the trip.  The dove is my symbol for my Mom.  Maybe I'll share that story sometime too!
Then I got to finally meet the finance of a very dear friend.  Turns out our cancelled flight wasn't a wasted day after all!

After a long day of flying on Saturday (over the Grand Canyon and snow-covered Rockies, we finally arrived in San Francisco.  It was my first time in California!  The first thing I saw once we were outside the airport was a huge dove on the side of the building - my sign that Mom was there waiting for us.  We got our rental car (a tiny blue Mazda with no butt!) and drove to the hotel to check in.

We stayed at the Columbus Motor Inn.  It was nothing fancy, but small and quiet and located within walking distance to a lot of things.  Once we unpacked a bit, we walked over to Chinatown.

It was so cute!  I knew there were a few pictures that Mom had taken on her trip that I wanted to try to find. And I succeeded!  I also knew that one of Mom's favorite souvenirs from San Francisco was a tablecloth from chinatown.  I wanted to find one like it - turned out to be more difficult than expected.  I don't even know how many little shops we went into!  But, I finally walked into a shop that had just what I was looking for.  It isn't an exact match, but it is the closest I found.
After a good bit of shopping, we stopped at Brandy Ho's for some Hunan food.  It was SO good!
On the way back to our hotel, we saw a group of people dressed in clothing from the 30s and driving cars from that same era outside of the theater next to our hotel - Bimbo's 365 Club.  It was adorable!
We unpacked some more and then went to Little Italy for some gelato.  Then we slept - HARD!

The next morning, we decided we would walk to Washington Square to try to have breakfast at Mama's.  Do you see this line???

We did not have breakfast at Mama's!  We walked a few blocks back towards the hotel to have breakfast at Pat's.
I have 5 words for you: peanut. butter. chocolate. chip. pancakes.
Then we took our first drive across the Golden Gate Bridge to head to Muir Woods.  It was beautiful!  The trees are so big and tall - it felt like a movie set.  It's hard to believe that they are real.  We hiked for a long time, no thanks to the awful maps!  If you go, make sure you know where you're going unless you don't mind wandering in the woods for a while.  We didn't mind it, but we were really hungry once we got back to the beginning.

We stopped for lunch at the Shoreline Coffee Shop on our way back.  It was a cute little place and so yummy!  I'm not even sure what we ate, but I know it was fresh and so tasty.

We left there to hunt down a photo spot of Mom's.  Turns out the large slice of redwood tree is no longer there.  But, I got a great shot on the bridge - just like Mom's!  We parked on one side of the bridge and actually walked under it to the other side.  That was loud!
We attempted Lombard Street, but it was soooooo crowded, being a Sunday afternoon AND Mother's Day. We parked at the hotel and walked to Fisherman's Wharf just to have a look around.  We visited Pier 39, saw the seals and a beautiful sunset, and ate diner at Boudin's.  I have yummy clam chowder in a sourdough bowl.

Then we watched a beautiful sunset over the Bay.

Monday morning we ate breakfast at Joanie's Happy Days Diner.   We drove down Lombard Street and took video and pictures.  I tried to get some similar to Mom's, but it wasn't easy!  Then we tried to drive down Haight, but it was too trafficky.  I guess we will do that on the next trip!
Then we drove through Golden Gate State Park all the way to the Beach Chalet at Ocean Beach.  We stopped to see one of the famous windmills, of course.  I was sad that the tulips were already gone.
Then we drove up to Land's End for the gorgeous views.  I got some great pictures without even leaving the parking lot!  I also bought several souvenirs there - it was the best of the National Parks shops we went into.

We walked down to the Sutro Bath Ruins.  It was pretty amazing to imagine what it was like there in the early 1900s.  I took a picture like one Mom took there too.
Then we walked over to Louis' for lunch.  Mom and Dad had eaten there with Carlos and Maria Gerchow back in 1991.  It has changed a little, but not much!

Then we took a walk on the beach.  WARNING: Wear shoes to walk to the shore in the sand.  That dark sand was SO HOT!!  Also, the water is shockingly cold!  I'm used to our white sand beaches and warm water in the Gulf! I found a couple of sand dollars and enjoyed people and dog-watching on the beach.  I love the sound of the ocean, the salt smell, sand in my toes, and the breeze in my hair.  It was a good relaxing afternoon.

We still had some time to kill before our dinner reservation, so we drove to see the Painted Ladies (as seen in the opening credits of Full House) and then we found the REAL Full House house!  We went back to Golden Gate Park to see the carousel and then we took a paddle boat ride around Stow Lake.

Then we went to Sutro's at the Cliffhouse for a fancy late anniversary dinner. We had the perfect table with a sunset view and a view of the ruins.  Dinner was DELCIOUS!  After dinner, we went outside just in time for the sun to go fully down.  It was so beautiful and got SO cold!

Our last full day to actually be in the city of San Francisco was Tuesday.  Since we were moving hotels, we had to pack and check out before hitting the town.  We walked towards the wharf and stopped at Starbucks for a bite.  This Starbucks happened to be right at the turn table to the cable cars, so we sat and watched them turn the card.  I didn't know they did it all manually!

We walked to Pier 33 to board a ferry for Alcatraz!  We were both excited to visit there.  TIP: Get your tickets ahead of time - they sell out sometimes 2 weeks in advance.  It was so interesting and HOT!  My favorite part of the tour was learning about the unsolved escape during the audio tour.  TOUR TIP: once you finish the audio tour, you should go back out to the recreation yard.  There are great views of the bridge and city from outside the wall.  We ate at the cafe when we came back, but not too much because we headed somewhere else for dessert!

Being a chocoholic, I was determined to get to Ghirardelli Square.  I had to get a picture like Mom's from Hyde Park first, but then I went into a few shops and bought some cute souvenirs.  Hubs went to get the car while I shopped and then he met me for milk shakes.  I recommend the Nob Hill!  I happened to find a fountain where Dad took some great pictures of Mom while we were there too!  That was an extra surprise.

With bellies full of chocolate and ice cream, we headed across the Bay Bridge towards San Ramon and checked into our hotel there.  We ate dinner at the hotel and then drove to Danville for gelato.  What a precious little town!

The next day, the Hubs had to work all day.  I stayed in my PJs for a while and got a little rest.  Then I walked across the street to get my hair cut and my nails done!  Then I had my first In N Out Burger!  It was a hot day, but West Coast hot is not the same as Deep South hot!  The temp was in the 90s, but it was still breezy and not humid at all. I thought it felt great!  I enjoyed my walk and views of the rolling hills in that part of California.  Once the meetings were over for the hubs, we walked to an Italian restaurant and had some ice cream for dessert.

He had to work again the next day, but only for part of the day.  I spent the morning eating breakfast in bed and packing our stuff to go back to San Francisco.  I'm sure anyone who saw me talking all of our stuff to the car by myself had a good laugh!  But, I got our tiny car loaded and picked Ken up.  We had lunch at a deli and headed back across the bay.  We checked into our hotel near the airport and turned out rental car in.  TIP: rental car at SFO are an ordeal. It isn't the fault of the companies there, just the size of the airport and the volume of business makes it take a while.  Allow yourself a lot of time.
Then we took our first (and maybe last) ride on the BART.  It got us where we needed to go, but it was so loud and so hot!  I'll avoid it if I can!  We got off near the Ferry Building (foodie paradise) and wandered around there a bit.  I got Blue Bottle Vietnamese Coffee Ice Cream at Humphry Slocombe. Yummy!

Then we walked towards Fisherman's Wharf where Hubs' coworkers were eating.  We had seen a "Popeye" boat there a few days before.  There was a cute family getting on the boat and the captain invited us aboard (for $10 each) and we road around the breakers to Pier 39 for an up-close visit with the seals!  It was fun!  Hubs' coworkers were there when we got back.  We decided we'd rather ride back to the hotel with them than ride the BART again!  They went to Ghirardelli while we went to eat dinner.  I just happened to notice Ciopinno's!  We had to get ciopinno because Mom had to have it on her trip, so that's what was for dinner!  It probably wasn't the best in the world - mostly tasted like the risk, but it was nice to try it like Mom had.

Departure day meant an early morning.  We got to the airport with enough time to spare to eat breakfast.  We flew to Dallas where our gate changed over and over and then we had to sit on the plane while they put a new placard on the emergency exit (seriously?).  But we finally got home, had pizza with our daughter, and got some sleep that night!

It was an AMAZING trip!
I want to live there.
I'm not kidding.  Love. It.

I had a wonderful time with my husband and a wonderful time with Mom!


  

What I've Learned From Mom

My Mama passed away Sunday.  I just want to share some things I learned from her.  Some of this may not make sense to you or mean what it means to me, but I want to put it out there so I can always remember these things.

Jesus loves you.  Love Him back.
Your kids come first.  But, your marriage came before the kids - keep it that way.
Being smart is cool enough.
"This too shall pass" really does make sense.
You don't have to be a big person to put the fear of God in your kids (or anyone who messes with them).
Being meek isn't being weak.
There's something good to say about everyone.
"He's got a mama too." (That means that everyone has someone who loves them.)
Sometimes it's ok to Let It Go.
Honor your parents.
Commitment - you follow through with your promises whether it is 6 weeks of saxophone lessons or a 48 year marriage.
Pretty on the outside doesn't mean pretty on the inside.  Pretty on the inside DOES mean pretty on the outside.
Every day that starts with coffee is a better day.
Doing "the puzzles" keeps you sharp.
If you don't say what you want nobody will ever know.
Express your creativity in as many ways as you can.
A clean house isn't as important as a hospitable house.
Gumbo = Love
"All God's children gotta…(do algebra, wash dishes, break up with a jerk, etc.)"
Being a woman is good. Being a wife is a gift. Being a mother is a blessing.  Being a grandmother is better than anything else!
Money doesn't buy happiness.

Read through the Bible. Every word. 

Tell people you love them if you really do. 

Talk!
Dying isn't scary if you know where you're going.

Obligatory Valentine Post - The Heart

What kind of blogger would I be without writing the obligatory Valentine's Day post.

It would be easier to just link back to past posts about Valentine decor, gifts and crafts.
Or I could link back to posts about love and marriage.
And then I could link back to posts about how much God loves each of us.

Or, I could talk about the love/hate relationship that most of us have with Valentine's Day, Single Awareness Day, or Hallmark and Florists Make Money Day.
I love love!  So, the idea of celebrating love is very exciting to me!  However, when I've been (not happily) single it's been miserable.  And now that Im married to my forever Valentine, it's still a holiday with way too much pressure.  I love him; he loves me; we should show each other daily.

Anyway - hearts abound on this day!  The cutesy hearts that are plastered on EVERYTHING are the pretty version of the crucial organ that is buried in each chest.

Sometimes that crucial organ - the muscle that control the life-blood - can fail.

That's the case with my Mom.

She's been an insulin dependent diabetic for 36 years.  As with most diabetics, her heart has failed.  On top of the diabetes, there is a strong history of heart disease on both sides of her family.

She has been in stage 4 congestive heart failure for a few years.  Her cardiologist referred her to hospice care a few years back.  But, Mom is like a Timex watch - she takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!  She was released from hospice care last May.

Well, Mom has been back in the hospital for the last week.  Her health is again declining.  She will be released to hospice care when she leaves the hospital this time.

According to the American Heart Association, February is National Heart Month!  Makes sense, doesn't it?  According to a the CDC, as of 2010, heart disease is the #1 killer of women with 23.5% of all deaths reported being attributed to heart disease.

This is so scary to me.  Think about all of the women you know and love.  What if almost 1/4 of them have heart disease and don't know it?

It is so important for both women and men to be educated in preventing, diagnosing, and treating heart disease.  Our diets, habits, and activity level all effect the health of our hearts.  The AHA strives to educate and we can help them.

Donate  here to help them prevent heart disease on the future!  You can donate in memory of or in honor of anyone.  I donated in my Mom's name today and they will send her a card with my own personal Valentine's message.

And it isn't too late for somebody to get a card from you today!  You can design your own e-card.  Send someone you love a special Valentine today!

The Spirit of Christmas - Day 4

I'm a little late writing tonight!  I stayed up until 2  last night - can't remember the last time I did that.  TONS of FdL projects to work on this week, so I was trying to get ahead.  (I'll share some of my work soon!)

Before my late-night crafting binge, I went to an ornament swap at my church.  This is a tradition with the ladies that everyone has always talked about fondly.  I hadn't' been before, so I decided that this was the year I'd go - and I brought my Mommy!

My Mom has congestive heart failure, survived a brain tumor, and has several other health complications. So getting her out of the house is an ordeal and a HUGE treat for her!

On the way to pick Mom up, I got to drive through the arches that are up every year in my parents' neighborhood.  

I.

Love.

It.

I drive so slowly down that road at night in December.  It's just so festive and beautiful!  That put me in the perfect spirit for some holiday fun!

At church, we shared finger foods and broke each others' hearts stealing ornaments and decorative items during Dirty Santa.  The sweet ladies in my church family have been praying for Mom for years, so she got lots of sweet attention.  She had a great time!

I left with one of the most coveted gifts!!!

My friend's mother in law made it and another one like it.  I'm SO happy to have this!  It's beautiful, handmade, and simply shares the meaning of the whole holiday season!

I brought two of my towels that are listed in my Etsy shop - I hope their new owner loves them too!

I will be going to the Ornament Swap every year now!  Such fun!

Hemming Jeans

I hemmed my own jeans!!!

While this is a mundane and simple task for many, it was a small victory for me.  My mother has always been a wonderful seamstress.  She made most of my clothes as a small child and a few things as I got older.  I'll never forget her staying up late the night before 4th grade picture day to sew my vest that I HAD to wear for my picture.  (If you didn't have a vest, you weren't cool.)  Thanks, Mom!

My mother has been on hospice care for over a year now.  She can't get out of the house very much, so I like to think of special things we can do together at her house.  It is hard to think about, but every time I'm with her I want it to be a special memory.

One of the things she has tried to do with me before is to teach me to sew on her sewing machine.  As a pre-teen/early teen I didn't see the importance of this.  Why learn to sew?  We can BUY clothes at the store!

Now that I understand that it's more about the shared experience and the passing down of a skill, I want to learn from my mommy while I still can.

Recently, I lost enough weight to buy a new size in jeans!!!  They were WAY TOO LONG though!

Here was the perfect opportunity to spend some time learning from my mom.

I had found a pin on Pinterest that was a tutorial for hemming jeans and keeping the original hem.  Bazinga!

Mom hadn't used her sewing machine in a VERY long time, so we spent most of the afternoon remember how everything goes and getting it threaded.  We should have taken video - it was hilarious!

Once we got everything done it was pretty simple.  Mom was behind me coaching and I was sewing!

Nice clean line!

A lot had to come off!  I'm only 5'2".

I think it looks pretty good for a newbie!

Her directions were thorough and easy to follow.  I should have paid closer attention to where I was cutting when I cut the excess off.  I cut right through the stitching.  I'm pretty sure I can just go back over it and it will be fine - oopsies!

  

I'm thrilled to have jeans at the correct length, but I'm even more thrilled that I learned how to sew from my Mommy.  

I won't forget that day. 

I want to keep sewing and learning so I can tell people when they ask, "My Mom taught me to sew."

Family Cookbook

I saw this bucket list pin on Pinterest and I could say, "I did that!"

My mother has been in poor health for several years.  She has always been the historian and cookbook of the family.  Because of her (and my dad's) medical bills, they are always looking for low-cost, but meaningful gifts for their family members.
After making the same meals for my husband over and over again, I decided I needed to be able to cook like Mom.  I asked her to type up all of the family recipes she could think of for me to refer to.  I wanted to have her skills for Christmas!  Well, she sat down and wrote them all out on a yellow legal pad along with a few stories that she relates to the recipes that have been passed down through her mother and grandmother.
Right after she got the recipes on paper, Dad went through some healthy trials and ended up losing his legs.  The house had to be renovated to fit his wheel chair and that meant everything was packed up in a hurry to make room for the contractor.  The recipes were stuck in a box somewhere and Mom had no idea where.  Needless to say, I didn't get the recipes for Christmas last year.
Fast forward to late last summer.  I get back in the country from a mission trip to find out that Mom is in the hospital.  Her doctor informed us that she is in stage 4 heart failure.  He placed her in hospice care.  This doesn't mean he has stamped an expiration date on her forehead.  She could be with us for several more years, God willing.  It just means that there is nothing else they can do medically to treat her heart.  It will not be cured and the effects of the heart disease cannot be reversed.
Once we got Mom home and came to accept that this is where she is in life, we decided to get some things organized.  She wanted to go through pictures, make sure all important papers were in order, and feel at peace in her home.  During this organizing, we found the recipes!!!   We also found some from my Dad's mother and some of Dad's recipes too. Mom didn't feel that she could type them all up or even get them to a printer to have copies made for my siblings and me.  I took the recipes and told her I would take care of it.
A few weeks before Christmas, there was a Groupon offer for a product called Picaboo.  The offer was for cookbooks!!! I bought the Groupon that would allow me to create 3 books (I have 2 siblings) for the cost of one.  It was perfect!

I thought about typing the recipes and even cooking each dish to get a picture of them to put on each page, but it didn't seem right.  Here I had the words my Mom's hand had written that I know I will cherish when she's not here.  I couldn't bear to type her words and throw the papers away.  So, I took pictures of each recipe (with my iPhone), loaded them on my computer, and voila!  I have a cookbook! I love it and I think my brother and sister do too.

Recipes in Maw-maw's handwriting

My hope is that these books will be handed down to future generations.  These recipes bring back so many fond memories! I can't wait to make more memories with these dishes in my own home.

Let me encourage you - don't wait until somebody is gone to try to capture their memories and their perspective on your own memories.  I'm so blessed to have the chance to really appreciate what Mom has to share with me. There's nothing like your mommy!