So Sad

I'm sad...the websense thingy at work won't let me log onto blogspot from my computer anymore. It says that it is an "Uncategorized" site...pooh.
So, I will be posting a lot less often now and I won't get to check up on everyone else so often either...I'll miss you, Blogger!

Barking Chickens

I'm getting over myself now, by the way.
So, this was the weekend that HC and Bonnie moved right down the road...about 200 miles down the road.
Friday night, HC and Bonnie took Ken, Whitney, and me out for dinner. It was nice to get out after a long week at work. Whitney was fun...as usual. HC and Bonnie were tired from packing, so it was pretty low key.
Saturday: The fateful day of the move. It seemed that half of Crossbridge was at their house...it was touching to see how many people love them so much. We had a good time, a different kind of fellowship. I got to see some people in a whole new light which was interesting and entertaining at the same time! I think that watching Ken and Garry engineer the packing of the truck was one of the highlights! Although, trying to get Oliver the giant cat in his box for the trip was quite an experience as well.
Turns out that one 24' truck was not going to do it, so H and I went and got a 15-footer. This meant that Ken and I would be making the trip with them since Ken would need to drive a truck and I would need to follow to take Ken home. Turns out they needed my vehicle to carry their art work, so it all worked out well.
Garry offered a lovely prayer just before we hit the road...I'm not sure if there were any dry eyes as they hugged everyone. But this isn't goodbye...Bonnie does not say goodbye.
Our 4 vehicle caravan hit the road around 2 o'clock headed for Ramer, TN. It was a pleasant ride. I spent most of it switching back and forth between the Bama game and the Auburn game on the radio and calling Ken to update him on scores. (The radio in his 'antique' U-Hal did not work). We hit some heavy rain, but made it through to sunshine just before we got to our destination.
The house is in the exact middle of nowhere. I love it. Its small and charming...the land is beautiful. I could have stayed. Its so close to Bonnie's parents' house that you can walk right to the dining room table for every meal! And let me tell you, that is something I would do! Mrs. Howell (Granny) can cook. We had a table full of fresh country food at every meal (and we weren't even there 24 hours). It was wonderful...cooked with love...you could taste it.
Now to the title of this blog...H and Bonnie's grandson says that the chickens bark in the morning...he was not kidding. That's how I woke up (in the room Bonnie grew up in) on Saturday morning...opened the door to the smell of bacon, eggs, and biscuits. Seriously...this is the life.
Bonnie especially kept trying to get us to leave so we wouldn't do anymore work. HC kept saying how much he appreciated us coming up, but I really wanted to thank them...for several reasons. It was an adventure! I like road trips, I didn't consider it a burden at all. I loved meeting the family and getting to know a little bit about this place that is about to be blessed with these two! It was a great way for me to accept what was happening. I can see where they are, I know how far it is, I know what it will be like...I can handle it better now. And I can't wait to go back.
I just have to tell you about the goat...Panda Bear. He's really cute, but really stinky! Did you know that goats pee on themselves? YUCK!

Case of the Red Face

Ever been so sad that you are mad at everything? I've got a mean case of the red face.
We got back about 4 hours ago from dropping HC and Bonnie off at their new home in Tennessee. I am so sad. I want to cry, but I can't because I keep getting mad about 'stuff.' Everything is making me mad. I'm getting mad about stuff that I don't even have the information about yet. How silly is this? I'm mad at life and I'm even a little ticked at God right now. I really hate that feeling. Guess who is really feeling the wrath right now though...yep, its Ken. I think he would say that I am high maintenance right now. And I am, but he knew what he was getting into.
I could punch holes in the wall.
We hurried back for LifeWalk tonight...Khris was the only other person there. I'm sure that everyone has their reasons for not being there tonight, but it was upsetting after everything we had been doing this weekend with H and Bonnie...I was ready to share stories and pictures and nobody was there. How disappointing. That was the first thing...
Dinner was fine...I think I was too tired to enjoy it and I wasn't really great to the kids, but they probably didn't notice. I feel bad when I do that though.
Then Ken said 1 thing that annoyed me, didn't really make me mad, but he though I was mad, so I got mad...and so on and so on. You know how that goes. So all I feel like doing is crying and letting him hug me, but I'm not with him because he thought I was mad and so I got mad. Now, somebody please tell me how that makes sense...
Then I decided to sit still and write in my journal...it made me mad. I'm mad because I feel really distant from God right when I really need him. And I'm mad that I want my Mommy and Daddy right now. I'm a grown woman!!! I'm mad that I don't feel God or hear Him right now. I'm mad that I'm letting that make me mad. I'm mad that I am admitting it out loud. I'm mad that I missed church this morning and I didn't even get a devotional at LifeWalk. I'm mad that God doesn't snap His fingers and fix everything that I see as wrong with me, my life, this world. I'm mad.
I'm mad that I can't get in touch with Ken to tell him whats going on right now. I'm mad that I won't get a good chance to talk to him for a while. I'm mad that when I do get those good opportunities I always seem to waste them. I'm mad that things don't always go my way. I'm mad that I'm so self centered. I'm mad that I'm a brat.
I'm mad that I can admit that I'm wrong, but that I still feel the same way. I'm mad that I can always seem to justify my anger. I'm really mad.
I think I'll try to sleep now.

Work

I'm really working hard today and I'm not enjoying it. But, I'm getting a lot accomplished and I need to learn to be satisfied with that...for now. Just felt like rambling...
And I miss the girls...

Crying Out

I keep asking God to speak to me again. Is he? I want to scream, "Aren't you hearing me?!?! Aren't you going to answer me?!?! God, where are you?!?!" I know he is here always. And I know he is there with you too. Maybe he is speaking to me in a new way...
My co-worker's little girl came to visit us here the other day. She has the sweetest little voice I have ever heard. Libby is 6...going on 30. She is very bright and well behaved and sweet and creative! I had a lot of fun coloring pictures with her. She has been sending me little pictures every day (via her mom's purse) and I keep hanging them on my wall. You can tell they were drawn by small hands, but the art work is great for her age! How do children know exactly what you need every time?I keep asking God to talk to me...I need to listen. Maybe He is talking to me through Libby...relax and enjoy the simple things that people do out of love. Enjoy the beauty that He has given us to behold. Perfection is not the only kind of beauty. Whether something appears perfect or not, it looks just the way He planned it. Tell people you love them. Little Libby writes "I love Mandee" on every picture I get! She's met me once, but I believe that she means it. She is so innocent that she doesn't know to withhold love as we adults often do. I think I'll keep learning from Libby.

Crush!

So, I'm living vicariously through a friend of mine who has decided to have a crush on another friend of mine. Crushes are fun and I haven't had an unrequited crush on anyone in close to a year! (Although I still have a crush on Ken...stop gagging).
I think the crusher and I are going to go shopping...find some crush-worthy clothes and new make up to make her even more fetching. The only problem is that the crushee has a few 'issues' that must be dealt with before I allow the crusher to move any further in the crushing process. (I am I blogging about stomping grapes? notsomuch)
Man, I forgot about the adreniline involved in crushing. The endless wide-eyed thoughts of what-ifs. Talking too fast and ending every sentence with a giggle when the object of your crush is near. The need to look your absolute best every minute of every day just in case there is a sighting.
Ah...romance at its earliest stage. Barf bag, anyone?

Desperate

Have you ever had something to tell somebody that is a really good thing, but you were really nervous about telling them? Did that make sense at all? Not really...I know. That's all I have to say about that.
So here is something that is bothering me...I have not seen the ABC show "Desperate Housewives," but from what I understand it is full of immorality. While it may be very humorous, the basic ideas and the pranks they are getting away with really bother me. Have we become so immune to these things that they have become our best source of entertainment? One part of the show that I have heard about is a woman is having an affair and her husband comes home. To prevent being caught, she sends the lover out the window...he falls and there is a wide shot of him running across the lawn...naked from the waist down. Now, please tell me how any of this is good for the soul? Such a bad example for teenagers who, I'm sure, are watching. What ever happened to family television?
Now, I'm all for freedom of speech and censorship is not always a good thing, but I do believe there is a time and place for everything. We must take matters into our own hands and change the channel...turn off the TV even! Its just sad that we are surrounded by it...it is a constant battle to keep our minds out of the gutters. We have to make a choice and its so hard when you're surrounded.
I sound like my Mom...I'm being preachy...so sorry!

Not Goodbye

Bonnie doesn't like goodbyes...they are just moving down the street. 3 hours down the street.
This weekend was a great weekend at times, a sad weekend at times, a frustrating weekend at times, and a tiring weekend all around. Shall I tell you about all of it?
Friday: Ken, Amber, Whitney and I went out to eat...the people at the table behind us were dropping the f-bomb. Not a family environment! Then Whitney and I went shopping at Club Libby Lu. I had given her a gift certificate for her birthday and she had a ball spending her money on the girliest things ever created. Then we went and got new tennis shoes for me...they are grey and purple...very girly also!
Saturday: Jennifer's high school band hosted and invitational. I went with Ken to help with trailers and whatever else I could do. I didn't feel very helpful though...can't lift anything, so I really just rode in the truck all day and followed Ken around. Hung out with the girls a little bit, so that was fun. The bands were impressive and the Million Dollar Band from the University of Alabama played at the end...it was really great.
The problem of Saturday...why am I sooooo insecure? I found myself getting jealous of the Bama majorettes. What for?!?! I actually had this thought, "There is nothing special about me. No reason for people to like me." That kind of self-pitty annoys me. Why do I continue to forget where my confidence comes from? How do I forget that God gave us all very special gifts and attributes that make us unique and valuable? That jerk, Satan, knows my weakness...thats what it is. But why is that my weakness? That is a question I would like to answer. I took out these inferior feelings on Ken...made for a hard day for both of us.
Sunday: I was still pouting/feeling sorry for myself on Sunday. We have a new way of doing the classes on Sunday mornings now...we are divided into age groups. There was 1 reason I was not excited about this...it puts Ken and I in seperate classes. Now that I have been to class, I can think of another reason. The entire hour or so was spent talking about marriage. I'M NOT MARRIED!!! We are using the book "Five Love Languages." I have read the book and it is reall great. I'm glad the church is facilitating this class, but I don't belong in it right now. There were 3 of us singles in that class and it was really hard to participate. I felt very left out and unimportant because I don't have a marriage to apply the challenges to. All I've got is a failed marriage to be reminded of. My feelings were actually hurt a couple of times in class...I wanted to say something, but wasn't sure how to do it at the time. I think I'll talk to the class leader. Maybe I will go to another class next week and let them have their 'married' class.
LifeSong did an AWESOME job yesterday. I was pretty sensitive already, but they alway get me in tune with God...I cried most of the morning. Garry was not there, so Lynn did the lesson...he was excellent! But there were some times when I felt left out again...he was making a correlation between God's love for us and our love for our children. Being around Ken's girls so much, I can kind of understand that love...I love them a lot. And I see how much Ken loves them. But I don't have my own kids...felt like I wasn't being spoken to here and there. But, again, could be my hypersensitivity this weekend.
The kick in the gut came at the end of the service. I had been sitting next to HC all morning...listening to his bass voice while we sang and hearing it more clearly than I ever have. One of the shepherds called him to the front and told the church family that this was H's last official day with us at CrossBridge. The tears were a'flowing...and not just mine. H was crying, Shepherds were crying, out Lifewalk group was crying. Then Greg invited us up to pray over H. (Bonnie was not there...she was going to get her granddaughter...missed her a lot). As we prayed for the leaders/parents/friends/mentors/counselors/comforters that we are Bonnie and H, I could feel how much love was surrounding them...how much love will go with them to Tennessee. I could feel how much love they had poured out on the church family that has left a permanent mark. I could feel what a difference these incredible images of God have made on my life in just half a year. They have become my spiritual parents...not that my Mom and Dad have nothing to do with my spiritual life.
HC is the one who baptized me just a little over a month ago. We laughed yesterday as he said 'nobody will ever forget yor baptism.' HC held me under the water for a record amount of time...I think his foot was even on my head...HA!
After church Ken, Whitney, and I went to HC and Bonnie's house. Whitney wanted to play with Savannah...they had a great time. Ken and I got the chance to spend some more time with HC, Bonnie, Pam, and Kayla...I'm going to really miss those times.
HC and Bonnie have opened their home to me so many Monday nights when I needed to talk about my confusion about my spiritual life or my relationships or nightmares or whatever might be on my mind. Bonnie would never let me sit in her house for longer than 15 minutes before she was in the kitchen making something for me to eat. It was always something good, but she always apologized for not being good enough...silly humble Bonnie.
I imagine that the bond I share with them will stay the same and that Bonnie will feed me every time I see her...its just not going to be every Monday night or Sunday eveing. HC told me I could call/email/visit/meet them half way any time I needed it. He didn't even have to say that...I already knew that.
I thank the Lord for letting them into my life and me into theirs. They are such special people who have touched so many lives. Ramer, TN has no idea what is in store for them...God must need some special angels there and that is why they have to leave us here. I'm going to miss them, but they are leaving me with so much...I hope to make them proud!

*Fashion Alert*

Just to let everyone know...if you have pants that zip up the side and then button at the top...DO NOT WEAR THEM if they are too tight for the button to be buttoned. And if you must wear them, please do not tuck your shirt in so that everyone can see that you can't button your pants. Thank you and have a lovely day!

Hard to type with your fingers crossed...

My fingers are crossed because I applied for a job that I would be good at and love today. I want it! I think...if there is any reason that I shouldn't be in that job, i pray that God will shut that door. But if thats the job I should be in, I pray that God will open that door awfully wide! Pray with me, please! Thanks!

Who Am I?

Listening to: Zoe Group: Who Am I?
LOVE love love this song, Vern!
So...I am excitedly peaceful today...God talked to me last night. HE didn't actually speak...I didn't hear a voice, but I had a thought that I didn't think myself. I've experienced this communication before, but only through my journaling. I've written things that were surprising to me...maybe inspired by the Holy Spirit. Its awesome every time it happens.
Last night's experience was different though. I was at church and Garry was praying. He paused to allow us to speak up with more intentions if we had any. The room was quiet and peaceful...all of us deep in prayer. My thoughts went to a specific area in which I have been struggling and an area where several other have been praying for me as well. And then I had a thought, only I didn't think it...3 clear words. I felt peaceful and excited at the same time. I squeezed Ken's hand because I didn't want to jump up and yell, "Yes, Lord, I'm listening!" Although, I believe my church family would have jumped up with me and prayed. I wasn't sure if this 'thought' was an answer or what...I was a little confused, but hopeful and faithful.
Later in the evening, I talked to Ken about it. I didn't give him every detail, but while I was talking I had another 3 word thought...that I didn't think! This one was clearer...I understood. This is so cool! I can't believe it...I mean, I can because God can do whatever he wants, I just didn't expect him to do this. I thought I would have to pray and think and pray some more before I got an answer. Sure didn't expect it to be so easy. Maybe that is my reward for trusting Him. I love Him!!!! He is so awesome!
OK...so, now I have to figure out what to do with his communication to me. How do I handle it and where do I go with it? I'm not worried at all...He is taking care of me and He will make sure I do the right thing. I am so honored that He is working in my life this way...I want to make Him proud of me.
Here I am rambling again...that's it for now. If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me...pray that I will accept direction and guidance from Him and that I will always be tuned in to his voice.
I'll be praying for you too!

Prayer

Prayer rocks!
Sometimes I am totally shocked by how prayers are answered and how prayers can be answered within prayers. I know I shouldn't be shocked, but it is so awesome...so amazing. I keep a prayer journal...probably why blogging interested me. I write in it as often as possible. Sometimes its just a few words, sometimes several pages. I love to go back through old journals and see that everything has been answered in one way or another! Maybe not the way I asked for, but always the best way.
I also love to finish a long session of praying/writing and see that my prayer has already been answered...while I was writing! I think of things that I had never thought of...see things in a new perspective...and its all God giving me the insight that I need. Its always just enough for me to keep hope alive!
Hope...I love that word. I have 3 rings that I wear EVERY day. One says 'FAITH.' One says 'HOPE.' One says 'LOVE.' Hope is my favorite. Romans 5:5 "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I have hope that everything in my life that seems so scary or uncertain is all part of the great plan God has for me. He is taking care of me and the people I care about most. He will not fail me. He is faithful. I'm sure most, if not all, who are reading this already know these things...I think I'm writing it to remind myself.
I think a lot of my realizations are very fundamental but profound things. One thing that I knew in my head, but have recently learned in my heart is that I cannot put my hope in another human. No matter how good or trustworthy that person is, they are still human! They are going to let me down, hurt my feeling, and disappoint me. While its not fun at all, it is still ok. They still love me and they are still a good and trustworthy person. The only person/thing/event in my life that is guaranteed not to let me down is God! And you can bank on that.
realization number 2: The way I treat other people has a whole lot to do with my relationship with God, as well as everything else going on around me. God made us in His image. (It can be so hard to believe that about some people). But the way I treat others is the way that God is treated by me...I wish it weren't the case...that means I haven't been very good to God sometimes. I realized that when I don't get my way with a person I tend to pout, give the cold shoulder, get hyper sensitive, and withhold love. I started thinking about how I treat God when he doesn't give me what I want when I want it. I get upset about the unimportant things and forget how much I love Him. I start making demands and don't want to show my love until those demands are met. How childish am I? How selfish am I? I'm only human!

What am I doing with my life?

I have so much on my mind right now. I'm frustrated because there are so many things that I want to 'be about' (as Ken would word it), but I'm not leaving enough time for those things. I'm spending most of my time at this desk, in front of a computer (grateful for technology...no offense), bored out of my mind, doing a job that is neither challenging nor rewarding. There is so much more I have to offer than this! This is so much more to life than this!
I am also giving my time to some really good causes. There is a divorce/widow support group that I work with that is absolutely wonderful! What a good cause...just not where I need to be spending my time right now...or my ENERGY! I have gotten more assertive...better at saying no to what i don't want to do/don't have time for. But I have a really hard time saying no to something that I do care about and do believe in, but don't have time for.
I want to focus on my relationships, my writing, and my spiritual walk with the Lord. Gosh, I have so much to think about and so much to talk about and so much to give of myself. So...what is my solution? Any ideas? I am looking for different work, but not having much luck with that. I bet part of the lesson I should be learning right now is to be content with my circumstances and make the most of them...I am doing that. But I also need to be aware of what I can do to live a better life.
I liked Garry's class last night...he talked about loving life...it is a gift from God. What am I doing to enjoy life? I have my family, my friends, a wonderful relationship, my church, ok...so I'm really lucky. But I've got to grow...I've got to be busy with what I am wanting to be about.
So, along with being frustrated, I'm also excited. I am excited about everything that I want to do. I have so much inside of me that keeps boiling more and more and I think its about to bubble out...my cup runneth over!!! (Psalm 23:5) Imagine the possibilities...what if I do publish a book? What if it could impact at least 1 young woman and prevent the pain that I (and many others) have experienced? What if I can be light in the darkness? Hm...I can be! I have faith that I will be!
So...if you've read my other posts, you know that I'm a rambler...hope ya don't mind!

Rant...

I think I'll rant a bit today.
I'm glad the weather is getting cooler...that means women have to put clothes on now. I am so tired of seeing too much of women...way too much. I'm tired of being embarrassed by advertisements that show too much skin. Can anyone tell me what a woman riding a bull has to do with Hardee's? Anyone...anyone...no?...didn't think so. Why do I have to walk into a gas station and be greeted by a 6 foot tall cardboard woman in a tank top, invisible shorts, and high heels holding a 6-pack? Ladies, do any of you wear heels with your cut-offs in the front yard? Hm...me neither! Maybe I should try it...or not.
It makes me sad that little girls see these airburshed, botoxed, self-tanned, tightened, lifted, and extended woman and believe they are expected to look like that. Nobody looks like that! It makes me sad that so many grown women are willing to go through this physical pain and psychological torture to look the part too. Now, I know that most men appreciate natural beauty and inner beauty, but thats not the idea we get from the media, from clothing retailers, and from other women.
Sigh...do ya think this might bother me? I think I will keep a log of how much skin I see tomorrow...just keep track of when/where/and how much. Should be interesting...I'll try to remember to post that.
K...nice to get that off my chest. In other news...I'm bored at work. I'm not a big fan of my job. Need something else. Something more challenging...don't feel like I'm using my gifts here. Speaking of gifts...Khris is offering a Spiritual Gifts class soon...YEAH!! I'm excited to see what I discover about myself there. And I will be very excited to apply what I learn. I'm just so ready to be making a difference. I'm ready to be useful in the Kingdom.
Hm...reminds me of something else. A friend of mine told me that i have become a Bible banger...HAHAHAHAHA. If only you had known me just a few years ago, you would see how amazing that statement is. I think I'm taking it as a compliment though. I'm passionate about what I have discovered in my spiritual life. Call me all the names you want...as Peter said in 1Peter 2:20 (there I go...banging that Bible).

Where to Start?

I'm really new to this kind of thing...I'm new to a lot of things these days. (maybe that will make sense later) Several friends of mine at my church home of CrossBridge are bloggers and I thought I would give it a whirl. I guess I'm interested in having a place to ramble on about the millions of things that clutter my little mind in hopes of getting some helpful feedback. My prayer is that some things I have to say might help somebody else! I'm no theologian or counselor, but I have experienced a lot in my 20-some-odd years and I'm being enlightened by God in ways that I can't even write (err...type).
I think a Sunday school teacher put it best..."I've been a Christian all my life, but was recently converted." I've always been 'nice' and 'good' when it was convenient. I've always known God and even loved Him in a way. I've always wanted Him...maybe I've always been seeking him. But I recently fell in love...with Jesus!!! And I've got to tell you, He's the greatest man around. Not only is he powerful and successful, but he is forgiving and kind and generous. He seems to know whats on my mind all the time and He really wants what is best for me. No other man will ever be what He is to me. (Can I get an Amen?).
Anyway...I'm just thrilled to pieces about my journey that will never end. The final chapter is eternity with the love of my life and I can't wait to be with my brothers and sisters there! But while I am waiting...I want to express the love Jesus gives to me to the people around me. I want to know how to do that. I want to put into practice all the things that I felt at the worship conference this weekend. I found myself smiling at everyone...a sincere smile filled with love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Why don't I do that on a constant basis? Why do I do that only in that atmosphere? Isn't every person on this earth a child of God? Whether they accept it or not...God loves them and as a follower of His, as a person created in His image, I should be letting is love pour out over everyone I meet. sigh... I'm on a spiritual high right now...a mountain top experience, as Khris put it. I want to shout to the world what the Lord can do for us. And PRAISE GOD for this feeling!
OK....if you are reading this...CONGRATULATIONS!!! You made it through my very first internet ramble. I'm praying for you and God is faithful!!!