Monday, October 18, 2004

Not Goodbye

Bonnie doesn't like goodbyes...they are just moving down the street. 3 hours down the street.
This weekend was a great weekend at times, a sad weekend at times, a frustrating weekend at times, and a tiring weekend all around. Shall I tell you about all of it?
Friday: Ken, Amber, Whitney and I went out to eat...the people at the table behind us were dropping the f-bomb. Not a family environment! Then Whitney and I went shopping at Club Libby Lu. I had given her a gift certificate for her birthday and she had a ball spending her money on the girliest things ever created. Then we went and got new tennis shoes for me...they are grey and purple...very girly also!
Saturday: Jennifer's high school band hosted and invitational. I went with Ken to help with trailers and whatever else I could do. I didn't feel very helpful though...can't lift anything, so I really just rode in the truck all day and followed Ken around. Hung out with the girls a little bit, so that was fun. The bands were impressive and the Million Dollar Band from the University of Alabama played at the end...it was really great.
The problem of Saturday...why am I sooooo insecure? I found myself getting jealous of the Bama majorettes. What for?!?! I actually had this thought, "There is nothing special about me. No reason for people to like me." That kind of self-pitty annoys me. Why do I continue to forget where my confidence comes from? How do I forget that God gave us all very special gifts and attributes that make us unique and valuable? That jerk, Satan, knows my weakness...thats what it is. But why is that my weakness? That is a question I would like to answer. I took out these inferior feelings on Ken...made for a hard day for both of us.
Sunday: I was still pouting/feeling sorry for myself on Sunday. We have a new way of doing the classes on Sunday mornings now...we are divided into age groups. There was 1 reason I was not excited about this...it puts Ken and I in seperate classes. Now that I have been to class, I can think of another reason. The entire hour or so was spent talking about marriage. I'M NOT MARRIED!!! We are using the book "Five Love Languages." I have read the book and it is reall great. I'm glad the church is facilitating this class, but I don't belong in it right now. There were 3 of us singles in that class and it was really hard to participate. I felt very left out and unimportant because I don't have a marriage to apply the challenges to. All I've got is a failed marriage to be reminded of. My feelings were actually hurt a couple of times in class...I wanted to say something, but wasn't sure how to do it at the time. I think I'll talk to the class leader. Maybe I will go to another class next week and let them have their 'married' class.
LifeSong did an AWESOME job yesterday. I was pretty sensitive already, but they alway get me in tune with God...I cried most of the morning. Garry was not there, so Lynn did the lesson...he was excellent! But there were some times when I felt left out again...he was making a correlation between God's love for us and our love for our children. Being around Ken's girls so much, I can kind of understand that love...I love them a lot. And I see how much Ken loves them. But I don't have my own kids...felt like I wasn't being spoken to here and there. But, again, could be my hypersensitivity this weekend.
The kick in the gut came at the end of the service. I had been sitting next to HC all morning...listening to his bass voice while we sang and hearing it more clearly than I ever have. One of the shepherds called him to the front and told the church family that this was H's last official day with us at CrossBridge. The tears were a'flowing...and not just mine. H was crying, Shepherds were crying, out Lifewalk group was crying. Then Greg invited us up to pray over H. (Bonnie was not there...she was going to get her granddaughter...missed her a lot). As we prayed for the leaders/parents/friends/mentors/counselors/comforters that we are Bonnie and H, I could feel how much love was surrounding them...how much love will go with them to Tennessee. I could feel how much love they had poured out on the church family that has left a permanent mark. I could feel what a difference these incredible images of God have made on my life in just half a year. They have become my spiritual parents...not that my Mom and Dad have nothing to do with my spiritual life.
HC is the one who baptized me just a little over a month ago. We laughed yesterday as he said 'nobody will ever forget yor baptism.' HC held me under the water for a record amount of time...I think his foot was even on my head...HA!
After church Ken, Whitney, and I went to HC and Bonnie's house. Whitney wanted to play with Savannah...they had a great time. Ken and I got the chance to spend some more time with HC, Bonnie, Pam, and Kayla...I'm going to really miss those times.
HC and Bonnie have opened their home to me so many Monday nights when I needed to talk about my confusion about my spiritual life or my relationships or nightmares or whatever might be on my mind. Bonnie would never let me sit in her house for longer than 15 minutes before she was in the kitchen making something for me to eat. It was always something good, but she always apologized for not being good enough...silly humble Bonnie.
I imagine that the bond I share with them will stay the same and that Bonnie will feed me every time I see her...its just not going to be every Monday night or Sunday eveing. HC told me I could call/email/visit/meet them half way any time I needed it. He didn't even have to say that...I already knew that.
I thank the Lord for letting them into my life and me into theirs. They are such special people who have touched so many lives. Ramer, TN has no idea what is in store for them...God must need some special angels there and that is why they have to leave us here. I'm going to miss them, but they are leaving me with so much...I hope to make them proud!

1 comment:

jamleah said...

That is so funny! I just did a post last night about the book "The Five Love Languages." You may find it useful in your current relationship. Learn each others love languages, etc. It can help cultivate a Godly, understanding, and strong relationship!