Sunday, October 24, 2004

Case of the Red Face

Ever been so sad that you are mad at everything? I've got a mean case of the red face.
We got back about 4 hours ago from dropping HC and Bonnie off at their new home in Tennessee. I am so sad. I want to cry, but I can't because I keep getting mad about 'stuff.' Everything is making me mad. I'm getting mad about stuff that I don't even have the information about yet. How silly is this? I'm mad at life and I'm even a little ticked at God right now. I really hate that feeling. Guess who is really feeling the wrath right now though...yep, its Ken. I think he would say that I am high maintenance right now. And I am, but he knew what he was getting into.
I could punch holes in the wall.
We hurried back for LifeWalk tonight...Khris was the only other person there. I'm sure that everyone has their reasons for not being there tonight, but it was upsetting after everything we had been doing this weekend with H and Bonnie...I was ready to share stories and pictures and nobody was there. How disappointing. That was the first thing...
Dinner was fine...I think I was too tired to enjoy it and I wasn't really great to the kids, but they probably didn't notice. I feel bad when I do that though.
Then Ken said 1 thing that annoyed me, didn't really make me mad, but he though I was mad, so I got mad...and so on and so on. You know how that goes. So all I feel like doing is crying and letting him hug me, but I'm not with him because he thought I was mad and so I got mad. Now, somebody please tell me how that makes sense...
Then I decided to sit still and write in my made me mad. I'm mad because I feel really distant from God right when I really need him. And I'm mad that I want my Mommy and Daddy right now. I'm a grown woman!!! I'm mad that I don't feel God or hear Him right now. I'm mad that I'm letting that make me mad. I'm mad that I am admitting it out loud. I'm mad that I missed church this morning and I didn't even get a devotional at LifeWalk. I'm mad that God doesn't snap His fingers and fix everything that I see as wrong with me, my life, this world. I'm mad.
I'm mad that I can't get in touch with Ken to tell him whats going on right now. I'm mad that I won't get a good chance to talk to him for a while. I'm mad that when I do get those good opportunities I always seem to waste them. I'm mad that things don't always go my way. I'm mad that I'm so self centered. I'm mad that I'm a brat.
I'm mad that I can admit that I'm wrong, but that I still feel the same way. I'm mad that I can always seem to justify my anger. I'm really mad.
I think I'll try to sleep now.

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